bittersweet end

I'm checking my notes one last time for any lines I wrote down in moments of inspiration.
but that isn't real.

the truth is, figuring out how to end this blog was nearly impossible.
Indy Anne was a part of me that I didn't even know existed.
she allowed me to write about things I could never speak of.
she's the reason my depression didn't seem so bad.
she showed me that I didn't need to be so afraid of Paris.
or of tourists.

I have her to thank for that.

but I also have everyone else to thank.
if it weren't for all of you, I would have never had the courage to write the way I did.
your truth has inspired me in ways I cannot fathom.
ways that truly show the parts of you that none of us knew from just glancing at your face.
so thank you.
for the good and the bad.
thank you for all of it.

to nelson.
thank you for opening my eyes to a world I was too afraid to look at before.
thank you for writing the truth.  
thank you for throwing desks and rapping and dancing and running around the room like it was your job.
and it was.
thank you for teaching us how to write without a single grammar lesson.
thank you for showing me how to face my demons.
thank you.

so here is one last truth.

I like my guitar more than I like most people.
I have to have the stereo volume on an even number or a multiple of five or it drives me crazy.
I hate engaging in small talk with people I won't remember two years from now.
shit is my favorite swear word while driving.
making out is my favorite pastime.
talking about my feelings scares me more than anything.
I sing more than I talk.
I hate being called "too skinny" or anorexic. the truth is, I eat like a trucker. but with a fast metabolism. and I will never be sorry for that.
I have lots of walls up. walls that have bruised my relationships with too many people.
but I believe in love.
and I believe that this blog will help me find it.

so thank you to everyone who read Indy Anne.
you were the best Paris I've ever known.

Hannah Peterson

cold desert

you came and went

just as fast as fall 

did. 

crumbled under your feet 

like the dead leaves on the frozen ground

i was broken. 

and i wondered how someone could be as careless as the changing seasons

from autumn to winter

you stole my summer. 

11:47 a.m.

threw me at the wall and put a hole in my tired heart. 
11:47 a.m.
today I lost hope in hope.
the news hit my head like a hammer and flowed through me like the last drops of blood in his body.

tears.
welling up and burning the eye sockets of dozens of people.
streaming down the faces of old men and little girls.
the salty taste dripping onto our lips and sinking into our skin
like the hurt and pain that he felt.

the hurt and pain. 

we say we wish we could've done something. 
but only wishing for it is doing nothing.
and right now everyone needs a wish.

I looked up at you and choked on words that burned my throat while you held me.
but right now a hug can't cure the pain

but we all know it should have. 

two days ago I waved and smiled at you not knowing that was the last time I would look into your eyes. 
the last memory I had of you. 

please know we love you.
please remember my wave.
please know that 11:47 is burned in my mind like an everlasting fire
and please know that there will be change.
because there is no greater loss than someone like you.

I'm tired of wondering who is going to spill blood next
and tired of talking about terrible things like they are nothing. 

we aren't sleeping tonight.
but I hope you are.
somewhere beautiful.
I hope you feel our love and I hope our prayers resonate through your ears like a beautiful song.

rest in peace hunter. 

disparu

my left eye is still crooked since the surgery
my right eye doesn't see the good anymore
and when I met you behind the pine tree
I saw everything then nothing

how he yelled and screamed with his heart
but didn't say a word from his mouth
and walking out those doors was liberating
and telling her she needed to change was, too
and the second time I read that poem didn't hit me as hard as the first
but it hit me like 3:33
and it hit me like the wall my dad punched
and it hit me like grandpas last dying breath
in and out and
gone.

you can't force those words to come out of your coffee stained teeth
and you can't love someone who isn't real
but you can love someone with a black heart
because god only knows why it's black
and you did it to yourself
just like he did too.

mom loves you and dad hates you
and your car always needs to be fixed.
your brakes didn't stop you from running that stop sign
but the dead baby in the road did
and forgiveness was always the answer but never the question

because that baby is bleeding out the blood that left your heart years ago
and not even a stolen life can get it back

not all the stars in the sky or all the 11:11 wishes you made
and your mom and dad can't save you
because the tide will come in
and soon they will be gone, too

and paris will be the only thing left.

creature fear

the conjuring scared me.

but not like god scares me

or how empty beer bottles scare me

or how the people I love scare me

it didn't scare me like the devil does

or how my fathers voice does

or how the empty walls of this house do

the pale faces scare me

nostalgia scares me

forgotten words scare me 

and teeth breaking phrases

like I love you or let's just be friends or I hope someday we end up together 

scare me

I'm scared of the creatures in my mind and under my bed 

of the people who forgot what to live for

scared of moving to kentucky

and scared of kentucky moving to me

scared of the smell you left on my shirt and how I'll never be able to wash it out

scared of the delicate flower you planted in my heart and how it keeps growing as I keep missing you

scared of how much I love you and how much you love her

scared that you're telling her the same things you told me

nothing can be as scary as that. 

how to fit in at lone peak

• be a mormon. no other religion will ever be as important or significant. the school is run by mormons and the majority of kids that attend lone peak are mormon. even some of the mormon standards are forced upon the entire school. so god forbid you aren't mormon. because when the other kids find out you aren't you will never be looked at the same again. 

• you better have money. and lots of it. lone peak is known for being a "snotty rich kid school" so if you aren't pulling out of your five car garage in the morning in your new beamer, consider yourself different.

• dress conservatively. anything that is considered "creative" will be deemed as different. and even at times will be seen as slutty. i've looked into the eyes of too many hateful glares to know that is the truth. 

• if you are good at anything other than sports, it isn't relevant.

so tell me,

is fitting in worth it?

the text messages we forgot

I love you, darling

running about twenty minutes late, sorry!

it seemed to me like there might have been something more to your kiss.

I'm here for you

cause I realized I could lose you for forever

happy fourth of july

I wanna kiss you so bad right now

I'd die without good music.

SOS I need a cuddle buddy

are you okay? 

I'm sorry for pushing our relationship too fast. I wish I didn't. 

let's go to slc today? 

still taste the lemonade on my lips

I love you. I miss you.

please come back

it was an accident I promise 

laying in the back of my truck wanting to be with you. 

let's be friends for now. 

we need to hang out! 

you're very sweet. 

I miss you

I miss you so much. 

re: stacks

mom doesn't love me the way she used to

stack on a brick

he cheated and lied but still I love him

stack on a brick

she screwed me over and I never once stood up to her

stack on a brick

playing my guitar doesn't ease the pain anymore 

stack on a brick

my favorite cereal now tastes like mush

stack on a brick

I watched him run away with her

stack on a brick 

dads kind eyes have turned into a black nothing 

stack on a brick

I broke his heart and now it's weeping

stack on a brick

my walls have towered above all others

stack on a brick 

I can't seem to understand who I am anymore 

stack on a brick

my love is no longer alive

stack on a brick

these stacks are weighing on my back but please don't let me crumble. 

stacks of bricks. placed on myself with my own two hands. 

sunday morning

rainy windows and tear soaked bed sheets 

over cooked bacon and an empty soul

dreading monday but hating sunday

loving your parents but hating how much they fight 

sad songs and a cold room

candles burning your heart

carrying the burden of the mistake you made last night 

emotions that get heavier as the day drags on

a guitar that plays just a little bit louder than the day before

laying backwards in bed with the pillows at your feet

playing out endless scenarios in your head

a journal that replaced your friends

wishing you were lying here next to me

the promise of a new week but the regret of a wasted one

a chai tea that warms your soul 

paper humans

"all those paper people living in their paper houses, burning the future to stay warm. all the paper kids drinking beer some bum bought for them at the paper convenience store. everyone demented with the mania of owning. all the things paper-thin and paper-frail. and all the people, too."

please tell me I'm not a robot. no it can't be true. you see I wasn't made to live this cookie-cutter lifestyle like you were. no I'm not like the rest of them. routines bore me and the idea of sitting at a desk all day makes me want to bang my head on a wall. no I care too much. I care too much about people. about having a meaningful life. about being liked or just being a part of something. anything. 

I'm human. I must be. because sometimes this pain I feel in my heart is just too much. because my mind gets the best of me. because I've felt a warm summer breeze on my skin. because I've never wanted someone more than I want you. because when I wake up in the morning, I put a fake smile on my face and seal it with duct tape. because I cry too much about stupid things. because I love you. 

because I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being late. I'm sorry for breaking your heart. I'm sorry for making a promise I couldn't keep. I'm sorry for being ungrateful. I'm sorry my room isn't clean. I'm sorry I crumpled up our love like a piece of paper and threw it into a fiery hell. I'm so sorry. 

because I'm mad. I'm mad that you picked her. I'm mad that I can't change what I did. I'm mad that I can't help but love you. I'm mad that those good moments are gone. I'm mad that I pushed everyone away. 

no I can't be a robot if I feel all of this. because I feel too much of this. I'm human. I must be. because I'll be damned if I become one of them along with the rest of you. 

first love

the last few days of may. 

we were in the back seat of your "vintage" volvo. 

I was lying there in your arms giggling at what you said. 

and you. you couldn't stop kissing me.

you pushed my hair behind my ear as you talked about politics. politics would always bore me but for you, I would listen. 

some old rap song was playing over our conversation. 

in that moment, it was just me and you. only me and you. 

the way you looked at me.

the way your eyes fluttered just as you were about to lean in for another kiss. the way you smiled at everything I said. I couldn't help but wonder if you would ever take me seriously. the smell of the campfire on your clothes. like the memory we just made was lingering for a little longer. the way your smile put me in a trance. the way the new summer air felt on my skin. the way your hand felt intertwined in mine. it was so perfect. so real. and for the first time in a long time, I felt alive again. 

we drove down that canyon road like it was ours. you held my hand as you shifted gears, I always loved that about you. you knew my favorite song and you played it on repeat. I remember looking at you and in that instant, I knew. I knew that all I wanted, was you. I knew that maybe our love might have a chance. I knew that you meant it when you said "I love you".

first love. maybe it's not love but it sure feels like it. do I even know what love feels like? I think it feels the way those perfect moments do. at least that's how it should feel. 

 

love. you saved me. 

the year long itch

"But there's always suffering. Home work or malaria or having a boyfriend who lives far away when there's a good-looking boy lying next to you. Suffering is universal. It's the one thing Buddhists, Christians, and Muslims are all worried about." 

why can't you be happy with what you have here? why do you want more than this? why am I not enough anymore? 

seems to be the only questions I've been asking lately. 

these people and this place is becoming unbearable for me. the way that you stare and criticize my every move, I thought you were supposed to be my friend? why do you look at me as if I'm some slut off of the streets? why are you so cold. 

but you were taught to treat me like this. because you are better than me and you always will be. I'm tired of the brainwashing and tired of constantly feeling like I will never be good enough. when will this change? will it ever change? is this all I'm ever going to get. 

I hate change and I always have but somehow I want it more than ever. 

I'm alone. one of the only people of my kind here in this hell hole. i was never made to fit in. my whole life I've felt this way. I'm not going to apologize for these depressing feelings because it's all I feel anymore. at least I still feel something. 

anything to make me feel just a little bit alive. I'm still alive right? 

a year ago this dark cloud set over me and I just can't seem to shake it off. Is this as good as it's going to get? am I ever going to get out of this labrynth of suffering? you tell me to forgive but I don't know who to forgive. how am I supposed to forgive you when all you do is hurt me? how am I ever going to be happy? these questions race through my mind as I'm lying in bed at night and sleep slowly fades into the black. my heart burns and I lay so still I feel as if I'm dead. is this what it feels like? 

I know I'm not crazy but the doctors say I am. heartless bastards. you know I'd help myself if I could.