the year long itch

"But there's always suffering. Home work or malaria or having a boyfriend who lives far away when there's a good-looking boy lying next to you. Suffering is universal. It's the one thing Buddhists, Christians, and Muslims are all worried about." 

why can't you be happy with what you have here? why do you want more than this? why am I not enough anymore? 

seems to be the only questions I've been asking lately. 

these people and this place is becoming unbearable for me. the way that you stare and criticize my every move, I thought you were supposed to be my friend? why do you look at me as if I'm some slut off of the streets? why are you so cold. 

but you were taught to treat me like this. because you are better than me and you always will be. I'm tired of the brainwashing and tired of constantly feeling like I will never be good enough. when will this change? will it ever change? is this all I'm ever going to get. 

I hate change and I always have but somehow I want it more than ever. 

I'm alone. one of the only people of my kind here in this hell hole. i was never made to fit in. my whole life I've felt this way. I'm not going to apologize for these depressing feelings because it's all I feel anymore. at least I still feel something. 

anything to make me feel just a little bit alive. I'm still alive right? 

a year ago this dark cloud set over me and I just can't seem to shake it off. Is this as good as it's going to get? am I ever going to get out of this labrynth of suffering? you tell me to forgive but I don't know who to forgive. how am I supposed to forgive you when all you do is hurt me? how am I ever going to be happy? these questions race through my mind as I'm lying in bed at night and sleep slowly fades into the black. my heart burns and I lay so still I feel as if I'm dead. is this what it feels like? 

I know I'm not crazy but the doctors say I am. heartless bastards. you know I'd help myself if I could.