re: stacks

mom doesn't love me the way she used to

stack on a brick

he cheated and lied but still I love him

stack on a brick

she screwed me over and I never once stood up to her

stack on a brick

playing my guitar doesn't ease the pain anymore 

stack on a brick

my favorite cereal now tastes like mush

stack on a brick

I watched him run away with her

stack on a brick 

dads kind eyes have turned into a black nothing 

stack on a brick

I broke his heart and now it's weeping

stack on a brick

my walls have towered above all others

stack on a brick 

I can't seem to understand who I am anymore 

stack on a brick

my love is no longer alive

stack on a brick

these stacks are weighing on my back but please don't let me crumble. 

stacks of bricks. placed on myself with my own two hands. 

sunday morning

rainy windows and tear soaked bed sheets 

over cooked bacon and an empty soul

dreading monday but hating sunday

loving your parents but hating how much they fight 

sad songs and a cold room

candles burning your heart

carrying the burden of the mistake you made last night 

emotions that get heavier as the day drags on

a guitar that plays just a little bit louder than the day before

laying backwards in bed with the pillows at your feet

playing out endless scenarios in your head

a journal that replaced your friends

wishing you were lying here next to me

the promise of a new week but the regret of a wasted one

a chai tea that warms your soul 

paper humans

"all those paper people living in their paper houses, burning the future to stay warm. all the paper kids drinking beer some bum bought for them at the paper convenience store. everyone demented with the mania of owning. all the things paper-thin and paper-frail. and all the people, too."

please tell me I'm not a robot. no it can't be true. you see I wasn't made to live this cookie-cutter lifestyle like you were. no I'm not like the rest of them. routines bore me and the idea of sitting at a desk all day makes me want to bang my head on a wall. no I care too much. I care too much about people. about having a meaningful life. about being liked or just being a part of something. anything. 

I'm human. I must be. because sometimes this pain I feel in my heart is just too much. because my mind gets the best of me. because I've felt a warm summer breeze on my skin. because I've never wanted someone more than I want you. because when I wake up in the morning, I put a fake smile on my face and seal it with duct tape. because I cry too much about stupid things. because I love you. 

because I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being late. I'm sorry for breaking your heart. I'm sorry for making a promise I couldn't keep. I'm sorry for being ungrateful. I'm sorry my room isn't clean. I'm sorry I crumpled up our love like a piece of paper and threw it into a fiery hell. I'm so sorry. 

because I'm mad. I'm mad that you picked her. I'm mad that I can't change what I did. I'm mad that I can't help but love you. I'm mad that those good moments are gone. I'm mad that I pushed everyone away. 

no I can't be a robot if I feel all of this. because I feel too much of this. I'm human. I must be. because I'll be damned if I become one of them along with the rest of you. 

first love

the last few days of may. 

we were in the back seat of your "vintage" volvo. 

I was lying there in your arms giggling at what you said. 

and you. you couldn't stop kissing me.

you pushed my hair behind my ear as you talked about politics. politics would always bore me but for you, I would listen. 

some old rap song was playing over our conversation. 

in that moment, it was just me and you. only me and you. 

the way you looked at me.

the way your eyes fluttered just as you were about to lean in for another kiss. the way you smiled at everything I said. I couldn't help but wonder if you would ever take me seriously. the smell of the campfire on your clothes. like the memory we just made was lingering for a little longer. the way your smile put me in a trance. the way the new summer air felt on my skin. the way your hand felt intertwined in mine. it was so perfect. so real. and for the first time in a long time, I felt alive again. 

we drove down that canyon road like it was ours. you held my hand as you shifted gears, I always loved that about you. you knew my favorite song and you played it on repeat. I remember looking at you and in that instant, I knew. I knew that all I wanted, was you. I knew that maybe our love might have a chance. I knew that you meant it when you said "I love you".

first love. maybe it's not love but it sure feels like it. do I even know what love feels like? I think it feels the way those perfect moments do. at least that's how it should feel. 

 

love. you saved me. 

the year long itch

"But there's always suffering. Home work or malaria or having a boyfriend who lives far away when there's a good-looking boy lying next to you. Suffering is universal. It's the one thing Buddhists, Christians, and Muslims are all worried about." 

why can't you be happy with what you have here? why do you want more than this? why am I not enough anymore? 

seems to be the only questions I've been asking lately. 

these people and this place is becoming unbearable for me. the way that you stare and criticize my every move, I thought you were supposed to be my friend? why do you look at me as if I'm some slut off of the streets? why are you so cold. 

but you were taught to treat me like this. because you are better than me and you always will be. I'm tired of the brainwashing and tired of constantly feeling like I will never be good enough. when will this change? will it ever change? is this all I'm ever going to get. 

I hate change and I always have but somehow I want it more than ever. 

I'm alone. one of the only people of my kind here in this hell hole. i was never made to fit in. my whole life I've felt this way. I'm not going to apologize for these depressing feelings because it's all I feel anymore. at least I still feel something. 

anything to make me feel just a little bit alive. I'm still alive right? 

a year ago this dark cloud set over me and I just can't seem to shake it off. Is this as good as it's going to get? am I ever going to get out of this labrynth of suffering? you tell me to forgive but I don't know who to forgive. how am I supposed to forgive you when all you do is hurt me? how am I ever going to be happy? these questions race through my mind as I'm lying in bed at night and sleep slowly fades into the black. my heart burns and I lay so still I feel as if I'm dead. is this what it feels like? 

I know I'm not crazy but the doctors say I am. heartless bastards. you know I'd help myself if I could.